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This Not That Holiday Gift Guide 2022
Hello again! Remember this little newsletter? No, you don’t? Fair enough! I had fun sharing cool things with y’all back in the overly-optimistic days of Spring/Summer 2021, and kinda ran out of steam shortly thereafter. Not one to produce “content” for content’s sake, I played it cool, but now I’m back, at least for the moment. Thought I’d share some excellent gift suggestions for your friends, families, loved ones, co-workers… basically anyone but your boss. Never buy a gift for your boss.
That’s right, a toilet brush! I’m proud to say I own this one, in blue as seen above. It brings me joy on a daily basis, not because I’m constantly scrubbing my bowl but simply due to its appealingly cartoonish appearance; it’s the only toilet brush you could reasonably expect Bugs Bunny to hide behind. Even the dullest of Lowe’s showroom bathrooms would find itself enhanced with a dash of the Merdolino’s Super Mario magic.
Absolute page-turning bliss here from cult-adored actor/musician John Lurie. He really gets into it deep here and sucks you into his fascinating life, all eras, from lazy tropical beaches to the gutters of Manhattan (mostly the gutters of Manhattan). Man, does he hate Jim Jarmusch, like really really hate him! And if you do pick it up, we have to discuss the utterly insane story about his therapist/stalker. No one is safe, except for you and whoever you buy this for.
Neon is getting played out thanks to overuse in coffee shop, lifestyle boutique and hair salon design, but the stark, light-saberian shape (and reasonable price) makes for an attractive package. They come in all sorts of colors, illuminate without overpowering, and you can stick ‘em pretty much anywhere (it’s lightweight and comes with its own wall-attaching hook). I own a yellow one and love it, and wonder what would happen if I got a pink or blue one and set that up on the other side of the room. Probably something cool!
No holiday gift guide would be complete without some artisanal pottery, what are you kidding me?! I don’t drink coffee but I still need to get one of these Helen Levi beauties, even if it’s mostly just to admire on my shelf. I love how the blue and white patterns take over the otherwise raw clay design, elegant and beachy indeed. Green thumb ballers take note, Levi also makes a large planter in this same design.
Did I stutter? It’s nothing more than a nice thirty-five inch diameter hand-tufted rug based on Lil’ Kim’s iconic compact disc. I feel like this could work for your walk-in Louboutin closet just as well as like, a really fancy dog bed or communal video game nook. And if you end up getting it filthy, well, what album could be more apropos?
Self-promotion time! I won’t see a dollar if you buy this or not, but seriously, if there’s a skater or even a well-intentioned poseur on your list, this board would make for a most handsome gift. Nice mid-range size for both flip tricks as well as street cruising, with an excellent live shot of Brad the guitarist squat-thrusting his Peavey combo amp while Sean the drummer dutifully beats onward. I am not pictured, as unlike those two I am modest and humble.
“Niche bootleg” has become one of the biggest online retail industries since Covid hit, and while there’s nothing I despise more than random pop-culture mashups (imagine if South Park dressed like Stranger Things inside of Minecraft!) I’m not immune to a nostalgic micro-aggression if it hits me in the right spot. If you watched WWF in the ‘90s, you were inundated with commercials for ICOPRO, some sort of legally-flimsy weight-gain supplement thing(?) that had no business being marketed to twelve year-old boys, and yet that’s exactly what happened. It disappeared from my memory… until now. I love the black tank top because I am partial to black tank tops in general, but it also comes in the form of shorts, towels, fanny packs, gym bags… even a goddamn ICOPRO FLAG for true maniacs only.
To close out this holiday shopping spree, how about an adorable tile game? “A Strategy Game in the Garden of Conspiracy”! I first discovered Niya at a board game cafe, and while I struggled my way through Catan and Mall Madness, I took to Niya immediately. It’s kind of like a randomized, 3D version of tic tac toe, the sort of thing that involves both luck and seeing three steps ahead, which means it’s great for eight year-olds as well as obsessively competitive adults. Takes two minutes to learn and probably just as long to play a round, and I keep meaning to buy one for my household. I think I’ll keep it handy next to our newest tabletop obsession, Klask.